Bangkok

(Friendly word of advice: don’t do your Yul Brynner impersonation here.)

Bangkok gets my vote for being, simultaneously, the Most American and Least American city I’ve ever seen. Seattle comes in second.

Disclaimer: The first few pictures were actually taken by me personally (off the internet. )

The first thing I noticed in Bangkok is how mouthwatering the Thai street food is.

The next thing I learned is that Thai street food is even more eye-watering than Indian street food. So the third thing I discovered was where they put the nearest McDonald’s. And lo! To the delight of my All-American tastebuds, I found that hamburgers in Thailand aren’t made with mutton. They’re made with hamburger. 100% Australian Angus beef. Thus accounting for eight of my next ten happy meals. 

Properly cheeseburgered up, I began my action-packed tour. 

The Bangkok Chamber of Commerce must have decided, “Our job is to accommodate the most dunderheaded tourist in every conceivable way.” It’s almost like they had a life-size portrait of me there in the meeting room to inspire ideas. No matter which way I turned, there was always some obvious sign or kind citizen to help move me along. 

ME (SHOUTING OVER LOUD STREET NOISE): “WHERE DO I FIND THE TRAIN?” 

KIND CITIZEN: “LOUD NOISE BEHIND YOU IS TRAIN.”

That’s what I like. Nice, loud, simple answers.

Like England, Thailand is a monarchy and I wanted to see the king’s palace. So after getting a Kind Citizen to point the direction, I boarded a long, sleek river yacht and we powered off. 

ME: (SHOUTING) “HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN WE REACH THE PALACE?”

KIND CITIZEN: “WHEN EVERYBODY LEAVE BOAT, THAT IS PALACE.”

Thumbs up from me. (The new universal OK sign.) When I don’t know how to get to where I’m going, I like it when everyone else does and I can just hang onto the crowd’s leg. Immediately, a pair of teenagers from Bangladesh hung onto mine.

We got to the palace grounds and it was like stepping onto the set of “The King and I” – only these weren’t props, this was real, eye-bugging gold. The same gold that must have made Anna Leonowens’ eyes bug back in the real “King and I” days 160 years earlier.

My well-informed companions, let me know that in Thailand referring to “The King and I” is kind of like flatulence – people smile like you didn’t do anything but behind your back they fan with one hand and hold their nose with the other.

The Thai people are proud of their gold-y, spikey cultural heritage – and even prouder of King Chulalongkorn. Rightly so. He pulled Siam into the modern age back in the 1800’s while managing to keep it out of the clutches of the British and French. A mighty neat trick back when collecting foreign nations was all the rage in Europe. As a result, the government got a bit ruffled when Rogers and Hammerstein gave Yul Bynner’s character the IQ of a squirrel.

The movie has never been shown in Thailand. In fact, by royal decree, owning a copy of the dvd is illegal. (Donald Trump could probably get behind a law against making presidents look stupider than they really are.)  

My buddies were all for just clomping around and gawking but experience has taught me that if you can afford to hire a guide for the day, do it. Ours cost 500 baht (about $15).  Not only do you get to see everything – and budge to the front of long lines – but they answer all your dunderheaded questions without letting you see them rolling their eyes. I like that.

Once again, it’s probably past one of our bedtimes so I guess we’ll have to wait till next week for The Global Thing Across the River That’s Beyond Your Wildest Imagination.