Back to Junk Food! (Mmmm….)

There are two kinds of junk food in India. Their own junk food and American junk food. You can find junk food from a few other countries thrown in (British, Nepalese, Chinese) but the vast majority are either local or US purveyors.

Your Basic Junk Food Groups in India are Sweet, Salty and Spicy. You can just write down “The 3 Ss”. It’s a mnemonic device that will help you to instantly call to mind the types of Indian junk food the next time someone asks you – or the question comes up on a test – or you find yourself sitting alone on a wind-swept ocean cliff contemplating infinity and stuff.

First, Sweet. If I have a sweet tooth (and I sure do) Indians have a whole mouthful. Oddly, compared to the average American (me) the average Indian hardly ever eats sweets. (I know, I watched him carefully for four days). But when he does, it’s sugar on steroids (icky simile, let’s try again) it’s sweet with a capital S (naw, too wimpy – here’s one) it’s premium super ultra sweet. (Got that from a gas pump – who needs a thesaurus?) 

The following are a few of his favorites. 

If I’d grown up in India, I’d probably have one wiggly tooth left in my head by now. So how come the average Indian’s teeth look so good? Again, I watched him and, psst, here’s The Big Secret, (look left, look right) – he  brushes them.

You probably think there are two more categories on the Junk Food Pyramid, Salty and Spicy. Actually there’s only one – Salty and Spicy. Unlike the world-famous American Junk Food Pyramid,…

…the Indian Junk Food Pyramid is more like this:

Everything that isn’t sweet is spicy or spicy and salty. Potato chips, corn chips, popcorn, kabobs, momos,… Many menus tell how spicy an item is on a scale of one to five chilis. In India, this is to accomodate tourists. If there were no tourists, they’d start at three chilis. (I’m convinced they make regular Uncle Chips for me alone.)

Everyone knows the best-tasting junk food in America is cocoa and toast.

What’s the best-tasting junk food in India? You guessed it – pani puri! 

Two-inch puff balls of crispy, egg-shell-thin, deep-fried crepe. Crack a hole with your thumb, fill it with a spicy mashed potato stuffing made with onions, corn, chutney… whatever you like. Dunk it in a spicy mint-ginger broth, pop the whole thing in your mouth and instant addiction! They’re sold by street vendors in what look like popcorn machines. 

You can eat 20 at a time and still get change back from your dollar.