Posted on by David Uncle

Back to School

As much fun as it is traipsing around the Indian subcontinent doing nothing, it occurred to me that traipsing around the countryside doing something might be interesting, too. So I considered what a guy with forty plus years in advertising might do. Remembering of course, that when you’re on a tourist visa, your job is to have fun. If you won’t do that, beat it. You are not allowed to work for money. You can’t even work as a volunteer.

I considered creating clever TV commercials for my favorite Indian product, Uncle Chipps – for free. But my keen business sense told me that the ad agency that currently offers that service to Uncle Chipps – for money – might wince. (Plus, beating their current campaign, “Sez my lips, I love Uncle Chips.” would be a challenge.)

What if I offered (also for free) to punch up poorly worded headlines? Examples were all around (e.g., this public service campaign for safe driving). 

I’d have said, “Safe Drives Saves Lives”. Then I realized, that wasn’t much better. Plus, members of the Poorly Worded Headline Writers Association of India would be hissing at me from every alleyway and trash barrel.  

Okay, forget advertising. What if I taught English? 

(SOUND OF THE INDIAN TEACHER’S UNION MAKING A LOUD SCRATCH ON THEIR CHALKBOARDS.) 

I mean, what if I helped overworked Indian teachers teach English?

And do it for nothing. 

(QUIETER, ALMOST FRIENDLY CHALK SCRATCH.)

So I zipped back to Delhi and enrolled in a TESOL school (Teaching English as a Second Language).

Remember these Delhiphants?

On my first day, I thought they’d started without me. I could hear people babbling English and I ran up the stairs. When I got to the door, I stopped. I had stumbled into an outsourced tech support center. (I’d called them plenty of times from the US, but had never see one. Looked hot.)

“A’llo, dear sir or madam. My name is Ralph. With whom have I the pleasure of speaking?”

My class was on a different floor. Our instructors were Sam, Grace and Janine.

Janine is an Australian, Grace is Philippino and Sam is an American who started the program. He lives in the Far East and travels about doing crash courses like this.

I call it a crash course. Every day, after eight hours of class and eight to ten hours prepping for the next class, I’d crash. We went through four textbooks, preparing lesson after lesson all night and then teaching it in class during the day.  

It felt like a 15-week course squished into five. Not everybody stuck it out. Not everyone who stuck it out graduated. And everybody was twenty to fifty years younger than I was. I was exhausted. For the last couple weeks, things became surreal. 

I remember a window display. The mannikens looked weird and misshapen.

Did I really see this? Or was I hallucinating?

I remember huge demonstrations. Religious marchers one day. The next, hundreds of Sikhs on motorcycles with twirly mustaches and turbans celebrating their 300th anniversary. 

I remember the martian invasion.

Martians? Or just my fevered imagination?

I remember being drenched in sweat, lugging my backpack full of textbooks up the stairs of an overpass. The heat index read 46 celsius – 115 degrees.

Happy or delirious?

But I kept hanging in there. Every time I’d say, “Can’t…go…on…(gasp)” I’d slap myself, “Quit whining you big sissy-baby.”  And, clenching my teeth, I’d do what a man has to do.

Thums Up. Twice the sugar. Twice the caffeine.

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